Ai, ai, ai, my dear American bambinos, come closer, sit down, and listen carefully to Nonna. I’ve seen with my own eyes, you crossing the seas and coming to our beautiful Italia, only to make a spectacle with your strange ways. Bless your hearts, you try, but listen to Nonna, and next time, maybe you won’t stick out like a sore thumb at the Sunday dinner table, eh?
1. Wearing Shoes Inside
Ai Dio mio, why? Our homes are not the streets of New York! Leave your shoes at the door. Nonna doesn’t want to clean your footprints from her clean floors!
2. Asking for Parmesan on Seafood Pasta
Madonna mia, you want to give me a heart attack? Fish swims in the sea, not in cheese. Remember this, and Nonna won’t have to cut you with her spoon.
3. Cappuccino After 11 AM
This is not Starbucks, tesoro. Drinking milk after breakfast? It’s like wearing white after Labor Day, but worse! It confuses the stomach. Espresso, always espresso.
4. Eating Pizza with a Fork and Knife
Look at this, a crime against humanity! Pizza was made for hands, not silverware. Fold it, embrace the mess, live a little!
5. Talking Loudly
My dear, are you calling across the Alps? Lower your voice. Italians speak with passion, not volume. Except Nonna. Nonna can be loud.
6. Overloading on Salad Dressing
Insalata is not a swimming pool for your ranch dressing. Olive oil, vinegar, a pinch of salt—perfection. Why drown the lettuce? It’s already dead.
7. Not Greeting Properly
When you enter, you say “Buongiorno” or “Buonasera,” not “Hey.” We’re not herding cattle here; we’re showing respect.
8. Wearing Shorts to Church
Madre di Dio, you’re in a church, not on Miami Beach. Cover up those knees; God doesn’t need to see them.
9. Expecting Everything to be Open Midday
Ah, the siesta, tesoro. Italy sleeps after lunch. Don’t bang on closed doors. Rest, relax, recharge. Learn from us.
10. Dinner Before 8 PM
Eating with the birds, are we? Dinner is late here; the night is young, and so are we—at heart, anyway.
11. Ignoring Bread Etiquette
Bread is for eating, not for playing. And for heaven’s sake, it’s not a utensil to push your food. Nonna is watching.
12. Cutting Spaghetti with a Fork and Knife
You’re breaking Nonna’s heart. Twist it, my child. The fork is a dance partner for your pasta, not a lumberjack.
13. Drinking Espresso in Three Gulps
Espresso is a pleasure, not a race. Savor it, feel it, let it whisper sweet nothings to your soul.
14. Walking Around with To-Go Cups
This is Italy, not a marathon. Sit down, enjoy your drink. Life is passing you by while you sip and run.
15. Tipping Excessively
Generosity is one thing, but in Italia, we don’t tip like Americans. Service is included. Keep your coins, buy yourself a gelato.
16. Asking for Tap Water in Restaurants
We have wine, we have sparkling water. Tap water is for plants. Let’s keep it that way, yes?
17. Expecting Ice in Your Drink
Ice is a luxury, my dear. Your drink won’t get lonely without it. Embrace the lukewarm love.
18. Eating Cheese with Seafood
Again with the cheese? Cheese and fish are like oil and water; they don’t mix. Trust Nonna.
19. Not Trying to Speak Italian
A “Grazie” or “Per favore” never killed nobody. Show some effort; we appreciate the try more than the perfection.
20. Being Impatient
Everything takes time, amore. Your food, your coffee, your bill. Breathe, watch the world, be Italian.
21. Ignoring Local Customs
When in Rome—or anywhere in Italy—do as the Italians do. Embrace our ways, and you’ll find the sweet life, la dolce vita.
22. Forgetting to Enjoy the Moment
Life is beautiful, my bambinos. Don’t rush, don’t stress. You’re in Italy. Eat, love, laugh. That’s an order from Nonna.
A Final Blessing from Nonna
Now, go, my dear children, armed with this knowledge, and sin no more against our beautiful Italian ways. Nonna loves you, but remember, she has a wooden spoon and isn’t afraid to use it. Enjoy Italia, and remember, when in doubt, just ask yourself: “What would Nonna do?”
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